I m rereading and updating diary-like entries on this blog, from the past two years. I call it “from the vault”. I’m collecting the entries for a LS Harteveld book called Big (diaries and erotica), about my affair with a man “called” Mister Big.
Today’s episode is definitely the most confrontational…wow. Just read it for yourself, what happened late 2015 between my lover and me. I ll get back to you at the end of it okay?
A little while ago I established a new routine: every morning I would choose an affirmation card to guide me through the day. I usually picked one that had to do with work, or creativity, or money. But I was holding one that was about a romantic relationship. And I knew I wanted that one.
On that particular day the man I fancied, was just trying really hard to save his relationship. So although to some degree things had been going on for a while, my position was particularly vulnerable. I even felt a bit guilty for picking this card, as if I was sabotaging his efforts. But then I thought: Hey! I m not using voodoo dolls. I’m not carving his name out in blood and dancing by the light of the full moon. I m not cursing anyone. The card is neutral and only says that whoever it is, has this type of relationship with me.
24 hours later his relationship was over.
I didn’t immediately believe the breakup was permanent and I had my defenses in place. But your heart is a tough place to protect. And being defensive keeps just as much good stuff out, as bad stuff. So then I succumbed. In retrospect I also realize when: when he wrote our date in his agenda. I had a dedicated place and time in his life. That is almost the same being a legit girlfriend. That’s almost married.
And very soon after? I lost him. He didn’t break-up with me, but all of a sudden the possibility of them getting back to together was taken out of the trashcan and was back in the in-tray. I will admit that I had evil thoughts. The most alluring was the estimation in how many micro-seconds I could have the whole thing down the shredder if she would know the truth. Then everything would be destroyed. What they had. What we had. And everything that I liked about myself: my kindness. My compassion. My optimism. But most of all: my belief in that card.
This morning was the first where I considered to get back with my ritual, and choose a new card. Something about work, or money or creativity: something I could control! But deep down inside I didn’t want a new card. For a short moment the guilt was back. And then I thought again: This card is still neutral, it doesn’t give a name. And whoever the man is at the other side of it; he needs me to keep this up.
From the vault (update 2017)
What strikes me when reading this blogpost is that I overlooked (when playing voodoo with my Louise Hay cards) that the card never said the man was single. Just that he loved me. And he did.
And yes, I see him as the love of my life. For sure. But I believe there can be more than one love of your life, as is obviously the case for him.
And for me as well.
The card never said there couldn’t…
“From the vaults” will be posted on both M Yoga and LS Harteveld.
week 2/7 Spiritual Practices: Affirming Your Life
“When we love ourselves we naturally think beautiful thoughts.”
For 7 weeks I m teaching from Life Loves You from Louise Hay. In Chapter 2 this book invites you to take ownership over your thoughts and ideas: we often run around with thinking patterns we inherited from our parents and/ or from other sources, but without checking their credentials! Every experience you have is made out of two things:
So “the fact”- and it’s okay if you believe these are totally random, not to be influenced, out of your hands, acts of Gods- really!
2. your thoughts about (1) the circumstance.
There is a striking example that a flat tire cannot give you a headache unless it bounces off into a tree and then hits you in the head. But the thoughts about your flat tire can give you a head ache.
Now if you have thoughts that kind of accumulated in your head, like a closet full of hand-me downs that people thought would look good on you, or that people gave to you maybe without taking the time to see if it was your taste or size; then your mental closet can benefit from a purge. Throw out the old stuff that doesn’t work, or that doesn’t make your life any prettier.
And then think of buying new clothes. Replace all of them if you feel like it. And this is a metaphor: so it means get some new thoughts. And those thoughts, the ones you choose, those are called affirmations. Affirmations help you control at least 50% of any experience. And if you belief in magic, that your thoughts create (1) the circumstances too, so then it could go up to a 100% I guess.
Especially if you throw in some voodoo dolls 😉
Louise’s Best advice: The ten dots
Put 10 stickers on places where you run into them. Your mobile phone, the mirror, the steering wheel. And repeat the affirmation of your choice every time you run into it. Such as: Life loves you. I love you. All is well. Life will only get better.
Just like mirror work, affirmations don’t work in theory. They work in practice.
week 9/15 Sadie Nardini
For 15 weeks I’m teaching based on classes from Sadie Nardini. This week I m using a class 17, from Sadie’s Rockstar Teacher Training.
I will make monthly pdf’s next week (for week 10+11)