8/52 Decide (includes coming out)

by Suzanne L. Beenackers

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom
~Anais Nin

This post will end with me revealing all you ever wanted to know about me, and more. I ll put in some bells, whistles, and fireworks, and will convince you this is only the beginning of a renewed and wonderful friendship. But before I get there, let me explain how it all started with me witnessing the rapid downfall of my teeth.

In response to having dental issues for weeks, months, years (depending on when you start counting), I recently became determined to heal myself. Or at least try to heal myself. Regardless if I succeeded I knew I would feel better having made this a priority, instead of brainlessly heading from one dental treatment to the next.

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click for the book

The first ten days I focused on the physical side: I discovered that phytic acid was a relatively unknown nutritional enemy of teeth and cleaned up my diet with help of an old fashioned cookbook that kills all the phytic acid in beans, grains and nuts. And it inspires you to make stock from real bones to get all the right nutrients. I m still working out all the kinks, but I m pretty sure I have enough info to make this work.

Then however, the mental side was still to be dealt with. I took my copy of Anything Can Be Healed from Martin Brofman from the bookshelves. It says:
consciousness -> energy field -> physical body
Those little thingies are arrows. I hope you can read them.
And
decision (or a behavioral response to a situation) -> blockage -> symptom
and
change decision -> unblock -> release symptom
there is also another route, where you start in the middle, with healing of the energy field (for example, well yoga!)
tension release <- healing (unblocking) -> symptom release

I wanted to know which part of consciousness, or which behavioral response or decision, had let to the problems with my teeth. First I started browsing forward: maybe there was a convenient road map of the body where all symptoms were connected to their subsequent problems. But there was no map.

Then I realized something: that I was super lucky because I already knew what Louise Hay had said about teeth: they represent your DECISIONS!
Where Martin Brofman had only two causes (either a decision or a behavioral response) and didn’t get into detail how to pinpoint this to which habit or which belief was causing trouble, Louise Hay had a thousand different causes for any ailment and failing body part (read Heal your body, or You can heal your life) and from those countless causes, for teeth she had DECISIONS. If our teeth cause problems we are making the wrong decisions. As two seperate healers now had told me, independent of each other.

The advantage of not having Martin Brofman saying what kind of decisions, or which area of my life I should look into, was that I had to do it myself. And I realized:
I KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHICH AREA IN MY LIFE IS NOT FUNCTIONING
The one decision I know I needed to make, but was afraid of. It was so big, that until yesterday I was still in denial, and beat around the bush as to what needed to be done.

So for ten years I have been a passionate diarist and writer of erotic stories under a secret pen name (which is the root of my problems). “I” do this through a blog, and every once in a while I would take a diary down, in order to publish it. Except I never did. In those ten years I started publishing countless times, yet finished it zero. At first I thought I would heal if I just decided I would now really publish my books. But that was just the beginning. The real decision I needed to make was: remove the blockage why I wasn’t publishing the books.

Here’s what publishing the books could bring me: to be the first (and the best!) Dutch writer in English, to be the most stunning erotica writer of the world, become a candid public speaker. If you needed to spice up your festival, you would book me. If you needed a controversial guest on your show, you would call me. If you wanted to conquer the English lit book market, you had no choice but to contract the only writer in the Netherlands who was fully bi-lingual.
Fame, fortune, and a bigger than life career; I could all have it.

Here’s what not-publishing the books would bring me: stay a garden variety yoga teacher in English and Dutch, to be a funny YouTube yoga teacher, a candid blog writer (but not THAT candid!), and an approachable go-for-coffee-after-Friday’s class friend.
And those were things I was attached to… not to mention they were paying my bills.

I was earning my living being Suzanne L. Beenackers; a yoga teacher who was just a little rebellious. She could lose her students the moment LS Harteveld, the uncrowned Queen of erotica, would enter the stage. My writing career as LS Harteveld was a direct threat to my work as a yoga teacher. Instinctively, I had protected my living by blocking the publication of my books. After all, I didn’t want to end up penniless and careerless, that had always been my biggest fear. Until recently. When a bigger threat appeared….
Unless I turned this around, I would end up being toothless.

It’s been a little over a day now. I just updated my official bio on my yoga website (Dutch) to include LS Harteveld and I can feel the decision to be open about my two personalities, is working. My teeth are bothering me less. This is something I needed to do for a very long time, but I was so scared of it. I didn’t even acknowledge I needed to make the decision, until the risk of staying in the bud became to high. And I decided to blossom.

 

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