by Suzanne L. Beenackers/ LS Harteveld
“This ancient and mysterious charm conjures a magical guardian,
a projection of all your most positive feelings. The Patronus Charm is difficult,
and many witches and wizards are unable to produce a full, corporeal Patronus.”
Miranda Goshawk ‘s overview of the Patronus Charm
I felt like that last episode from Ally McBeal, where after 5 seasons of looking for love she’s presented with her 10 year old daughter, and she realizes this is the love of her life. It was never meant to be a man.
The idea my cats mean the world to me is not new. Last year in Willems obituary, I already confessed that although I flaunted “men” as my favorite personal development tool, the largest part came from Willem, who I had nursed and even healed during several chronic illnesses. This year I cancelled my holiday and was again restricted to 4 hour time windows to leave home, because Max was depending on me. The only difference is I now have a professional care giver who can watch him for me, if I go out. But what surprised me was that I barely felt any regret that my life had become so small again. Every time I thought about Life Without Cats, in which I vividly pictured myself traveling the world, living abroad, being famous, I couldn’t feel any enthusiasm. Absolutely none. It’s like that day I realized I didn’t want to have children at 27. Something nearly everybody wants, will not bring me any joy. I think 27 was late, considering how big and clear this was to me. But it was also about the time I realized I didn’t like beer, and I had been drinking that since age 15. So I’m slow when it comes to seeing the obvious.
A few weeks ago, and after almost 10 years of being single, I decided I was open to a “real” relationship. I named this summer (2016) the Summer of Love. I was going to enjoy these last months when Mr Right wasn’t in my life yet – or maybe he was, but then I didn’t know he was Mr Right. I was going to date, have fun, and would also relive and milk the memory of 1991 and muse/ novel character Benjamin to the last drop.
I am using the card “Ask help” in class. When seeing the angel on the card, and reliving my strong memories of 1991, I suddenly saw the meaning behind the Patronus spell from the Harry Potter books:
your strongest positive memory can battle any demon and even conquer death.
“The assignment is always the same,” I said in class. “In every difficult circumstance, can you find your Patronus? Can you find your happy memory? You can learn to harness your positive energy.”
My Patronus has the shape of a 19 year old young man. But, as I m beginning to understand, there is another Patronus as well. And like the Patronusses in Harry Potter, he has the shape of an animal. My Baby Max is filled to the brim with 11 years of love, and positive, intimate and mentally healing experiences.
So yesterday evening, even though I always thought I would choose a life without cats, at least temporarily, I had this incredible wake-up call:
Without a cat, I don’t want to live.
And immediately after:
This cat, Baby Max, he is the love of my life.
If the love of my life dies there will be sorrow. And maybe, for a brief period of time, I will go on guilt-free holidays. But I don’t plan on taking a ten year cat-free bender before I m ready to recommit. Being single and being without cat, definitely do not have the same appeal.
When I ve dried my tears I ll go to the animal shelter and open my heart to a new love.
Probably one guy a little more mature, who challenges me, and one fellow immensely cuddly who appreciates motherly love.
Yes. That’s how it will be.
Work with me for free or at the studio
If you like my free yoga on You Tube you can take the next step
and enroll for classes at my private studio M Yoga Nijmegen
I created a unique 3 month package (temporary link) so you can easily start yoga in Nijmegen this summer.
I will close registration after the Vierdaagse, and reopen in September.
This is the only opportunity to get a three month package, at this price.
In 2016 I m using a card deck Crazy Sexy Love Notes to write a new blogpost every week.
Sign up for this blog, and you will receive these babies weekly.
Studio closed 17-22 July.
If you need any extra info on yoga classes
contact Suzanne at